LIFE'S LESSONS

redirecting

2010-02-24T19:38:00.000-08:00

i can't seem to find a FREE clean, simple and minimalist layout for my blog here so... (been wanting to do this long time ago)

i moved my blog to http://eexinwexc.wordpress.com/. the current layout there is better suited to my style so enjoy! :)

bliss is…

2010-02-24T05:12:00.001-08:00

...going for breakfast, goofing and laughing over 'big bang theory' with the other two musketeers.

…meeting close friends and chatting as if none of us have ever left.

…saving a friend and killing a Hunter, Smoker or Boomer in Left4Dead.

…receiving unexpected packages from a dream university.

...reading a good book in an air-conditioned room amidst the din surrounding card games happening in the space right beside.

…winning bets made in mahjong games.

…going on random outings around ipoh (pet shops, coffee shops, schools) with cousins.

….revisiting a place i often went when a child, tracing my footsteps back to a lost childhood and finding remnants of it still there, hidden in unexpected places.

…being chased, and chasing, a certain playful puppy beagle which reminds me so much of my own dalmatian, which i miss sorely.

…finishing the aforementioned good book and literally having my breath taken away by the depth of the story.

…not having to choose between upten, ba or coe when it comes to meals.

…working on a review on Arundhati Roy's 'The God of Small Things' and devouring Harriet Beecher Stowe's controversial 'Uncle Tom's Cabin'.

for a lack of better words...

2010-02-21T18:03:00.000-08:00

Random pictures found in the camera during Chinese New Year 2009:

grandma's house- where i spent the first, second and third day of CNY. i really liked the air of festivity in the house.

my youngest sister who can be quite crazy at times.

i've been in to my grandma's house so many times yet this pictures seems so unfamiliar and strange. like it's someone else's house and i'm just a visitor standing in a corner trying to drink in my surroundings.

basically, my CNY was about card games,

cousins (young and ermm old)

JJ the newly-bought dog (a beagle) which lives a pampered life (perhaps even more luxurious than mine),

more chor dai dee and 21,

more young cousins,

and cute little ones!

it was also about biscuits and cookies, angpows, family reunions, gossips, unknown yet familiar faces, penang food, relatives' spouses (and girlfriends), friends and so many happy moments that remain imprinted on my mind but uncaptured on camera.

though i'm a tad late, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

2010-02-11T09:34:00.001-08:00

IM GONNA BE HAPPY IM GONNA BE HAPPY IM GONNA BE HAPPY IM GONNA BE HAPPY.

JUST STOP THINKING AND I'LL BE HAPPY.

home is a day away, and all will be over. J

2010-02-10T21:52:00.001-08:00

Yes. I'm like a highly sensitive, picky, demanding, defensive and ultra-fragile safety mechanism.

So what?

completely random

2010-02-10T07:44:00.000-08:00

I like rainy days. The sight and sound of raindrops are so therapeutic. The roaring thunder and flashes of lightning make me feel safe, somehow. Why won’t it rain now? I wonder how it feels like to live in rainy places like Seattle.

I can’t seem to dwell on an issue long enough to properly write something about it; my mind keeps flitting between various thoughts I have, thus the short hiatus.

How do you write an essay outline for such a dull topic as ‘school children should not have long holidays’? The word ‘long’ is so subjective; a week, a month, a year? Knowing that the work you are doing is pointless yet HAVING to do it nonetheless is a classic example of how youths waste their lives away. Talk about vandalism, lepak, yum cha etc. (Some of the ‘vandalised’ walls, if not polluted with obscenities and what-nots, can be quite creative.) To quote Scrooge, bah humbug! I learn more from yum cha sessions and hanging out with friends than sitting down here trying to churn out points for an essay outline or memorising the definitions of system units, LAN, WAN, IP address etc (most of which I dont understand). There, I’ve said it!

Why are some people so righteous, obedient, (insert positive traits) and others so rebellious, free-spirited, lazy (insert not-so-positive traits)? And I find myself leaning towards the latter. I don’t want to be just one mass-produced unit among many; I don’t want to be the end result of our education system. I want much more than that! I have my own thoughts and opinions; I want to be different; I don’t want to conform to the norm and just be well, ordinary. This place, and system, can be so stifling at times.

Wow. I didn’t mean to write about these things. I just wanted to get some thoughts out of my mind. My mind goes crazy when I think too much, and I usually do.

I’m looking forward to CNY (don’t know whether it’ll be my last one here for a long time; ironically, I hope it will), and happy joyful blissful ecstatic moments with family and friends at home.

2010-02-05T23:16:00.001-08:00

Homesickness is finally setting in, for real.

I'm trying to change -not to overwhelm myself with too many things at once. Right now, I'm just trying to find a comfortable spot on the hard chair while squinting at the laptop screen, devouring the oh-so-dull computing notes. I'm nearing the end of my second trimester, and I don't think I've changed (or have been changed) so much in such a short span of time, mentally, emotionally and ermm physically. I still feel very much surprised at the way some of the things are run around here, sometimes. And just when I thought I knew the people around me well, they would sneak behind my back and startle me (metaphorically of course). We're all Malaysians, but I must say that my circle of friends here are made up of very diverse minds, VERY indeed. Having spent six months with them, they have left traces of themselves in me, my character and my perspectives, and I them.

Pillows don't work against chairs with extremely straight backs and hard seats. I speak from experience.

Computing beckons. sighs

divine intervention

2010-02-02T07:06:00.001-08:00

What a relief! at least, I'm satisfied with my performance.

The last thing on my mind this afternoon before I napped was the Yale interview in the evening. Before that, I was noting down specific aspects of myself that I would like my Yale interviewer to know so I would be prepared for whatever questions she might ask. Somehow (probably after the UoC interview that I think I did badly) I dreaded the prospect of meeting a Yale alumni face to face. She's from Yale, I'm from Uniten. Get it? I felt agitated, but deep down there was this calm surrender to God and the knowledge that it doesnt matter how bad I mess it up because my chances aren't that good in the first place.

I woke up from my nap and the first thing I saw was the new key that my roommate handed me. On it were the words: For Yale. Random trick of fate? I don't know but it was amazing that those were the first words I see, because I certainly did not mention the interview to my roommate before. I choose to think of it as God's reassurance that everything will be fine, and it did turn out fine.

Come to think of it, I should've mentioned this incident during the interview. God's hands at work, don't you think?

leaving

2010-01-30T06:36:00.001-08:00

Jwbeh & Jess, skype with me before leaving!

This week had been … weird. Much of my time is spent hibernating in my 'cave'. There are so many trvial, but important nonetheless, errands to run but my lazy indolent self refuses to budge from my seat (or bed). And I have developed this tendency to regularly check thestar and Malaysian Insider for news everyday. Maybe it's part of my feeble efforts to keep myself acquainted with the world?

Recently (or perhaps not so recently), because of my ocassional non-commitment to keeping in touch, I seem to be losing touch with everyone back home. I don't even know what are some of my friends up to now. Are they on semester break? How's PuiMun and Lim doing in UTP? Are SokWai and YeeSan coping well with their Upper Six lives? What's Jess and MayJet doing in Ipoh these days? Is Lydia in Ipoh now and how's ZhiHui doing in her 'shyt-hole'? How's KaYee and KitYee in Spore? Is JiaFoong doing okay in her spiritual walk? What's happening in MGS now? These are just some of the questions off the top of my mind and it bothers me that I haven't been able to talk to some of the people I miss most. It bothers me how my world only revolves around this small institution and the community of scholars here, how my 'old' friends seem to be drifting further and further away from my life into their own.

It is ironic that as much as my social circle has expanded, my world has also shrunk. I am not sure whether what I wrote made sense but it feels that way. Here, the insecurity in me often prevails because everything is so short-lived. Friendships, especially. And the fact that some of these friendships are built on such shaky foundations as say, gossip or a shared dislike for someone, unsettles me. It is unsettling to observe how a certain individual's dislike for another can be so pervasive in this small community. Perhaps my mind is now wandering too far, but this somehow brings the French Revolution to mind. The reversal of the order in the social herarchy in just a few days. The peasants' thirst for the bourgeois' blood, which can be too much even if they had been mistreated and humiliated. The collective unity in which they set out to condemn the aristocrats. An analogy is being constructed in my mind as I type this.

I wonder how many conversations had I had that did not concern the iniquities or eccentricity of a third party? Are we really that good that we can judge, and condemn, others? If I understood correctly, the one and only individual who was blameless was Jesus. How did we become reduced to parasite-like individuals who feed off others' weaknesses? Or rather, how did I become reduced to this? I wonder, indeed.

On a totally different note, I think I will be going to ACTS Church when I'm here. Weird thing is, I keep on thinking about GMC when I'm in ACTS. I think I was always meant to be a part of GMC but I left, halfway when my spiritual life was being rebuilt. And till now, I could not be certain that making the decision to leave Ipoh was the right one.

But at least I'm happy J

终于完了

2010-01-23T06:25:00.001-08:00

This was supposed to be a post in Chinese but I abandoned the Chinese version after halfway attempting to translate my thoughts into Chinese. It's just not…. me.

SAT today was #speechless#. To say it was disastrous would be an exaggeration; to claim it was difficult would be an understatement. I'm baffled. The essay always catches me off my guard and with my 'writing brain' (if I have one) switched off. I couldn't say I did as well as I wanted to because, well, I didn't. Four times I have been to the test center and each time, I would step out of the classroom feeling like I had left a part of myself behind when I handed up my answer sheet. This time, I don't know if there's any of myself left to bear the dreaded thought of receiving the scores. I would say that part of my intense obsession with the SAT stems from external pressure and expectations but then again, I was the one who had such high expectations of myself. I don't know if I will be able to meet my expectations this time but even if I did not, there's not much left of me to be depressed so I'm fine.

On a happier note: I was really excited when I saw lion dance performances in Sunway. This reminds me of CNY back home when my cousin and I would watch lion dance in my neighbour's house from the balcony; we would try to peer into the house and figure out what the 'lion' was doing. It was FUN and I really miss those moments spent with him. Anyway, what made me really happy was these small kids with small 'lions' who seem to be shaking their lion heads incessantly and, guess what, I saw a tiny hand held out to shake the audiences' hands and it was an Indian kid! At the same time, I realised the emcee was speaking in Malay. It is so inspiring to see such unity among Malaysians. For this, I applaud Sunway (or whoever the organizer is) for their effort. Oh, and I realized some people are really nice to talk to once you have the chance to know them; don't be too quick to judge (hmmm, I think I should tell ainie this).

Wheeee… I'm officially free (okay, maybe not totally) from the evil clutches of applications, essays and SATs! I feel like an 'escaped convict', giddy with peril and trying to get used to my 'unaccustomed freedom'. (Note: remember the CR question?)

其实我会讲华语的，只是我不能用华语来跟别人沟通。别人讲华语的时候，我会变了很安静因为觉得一点迷失。所以，有时找到人(who is as 'banana' as me, or worse)用英文或是广东话跟我沟通会觉得开心因为有一点家的感觉。

Silly, I know, but it's true.

Please

2010-01-16T22:40:00.001-08:00

make up your mind. i'm dazed enough as it is; don't leave me dangling in a state of confusion. or have I been living off my own self-indulgent reveries all this while? perhaps all these had been nothing more than just wishful thinking.

i want need to go home, to a familiar place and to familiar people, to heal.

glimpses into the past

2010-01-16T05:27:00.000-08:00

While rummaging through my folders just now, I found hidden memories -pictures, past essays- that reminded me of who I was, and for a moment I discovered myself again.

i know this might not be the most flattering picture, but it reminds me of the really good, and bad, times we had in 5 Sc1, how we always did stuff together as a class and how much I felt like I really belonged to the class. think of the times when chin told us her grandma stories, when we (all except sokwai who would've finished it the day before) struggled with the mind-boggling addmaths exercises every friday morning and when we chuckled and threw each other knowing glances when mdm H entered class.

i miss the cheap but delicious canteen food. i miss telling kayee and dawn to stop eating and buying food after recess was over. i miss having kayee complaining of stomach ache everyday after recess, without fail. (somehow, it never stopped from indulging in banana balls, porridge, iced milo, noodles etc) i miss our 'tai sek wui' during the last few weeks in school.

i guess this is about the closest i'll ever get to being an artistic individual. i cant say that i LOVE the whole process of using photoshop and designing these pages; sometimes it can excruciatingly difficult to find the right pictures and to think of an idea to piece the photos together. but eventually, the satisfaction derived when the empty A4 page i started off with became a piece of art (??) and the outcome was loved by many (even though it may not be spectacular). in a way, i miss having the extra tool, besides writing, to express myself.

and obviously, i miss the three musketeers (or stooges), whichever you prefer. i cant even bring myself to list the many things we did when together; it all seems so childish, foolish and laughable now. it's a wonder how three of us, so distinctly different in so many ways, came to be close friends.

my youngest sister, who loves acting silly and doing lame stuff. i miss home.

this reminds me of our (kim, chin and i) farewell dinner with the church youths. i must say, there is so much that i learnt from this small group of people; it changed my perception of church, religion and faith. in the brief period of time that i was closely acquainted with them, i grew a lot spiritually and truthfully, i still have not found anyone who could help me in my spiritual life more than they did.

last one, taken from http://cookingismypassion.blogspot.com/ . i love small kids -their innocence, purity, the helpless look in their eyes sometimes. you dont find that often in grown-ups.

ps. thanks jia foong for being there when i needed someone. :)

2010-01-10T05:27:00.001-08:00

Blogging has evolved into an excuse to escape from the clutches of assignments and revision. I seem to be doomed to a life of indolence here.

I was reading a passage on peer behavior and something struck me: this passage describes, albeit vaguely, the bottled up feelings I had recently, which I could not find the words to express. (this is why I enjoy doing CR exercises; there are always intriguing and thought-provoking passages which are worth a moment, or two, of self-reflection) Here is an extract:

"She feigned being a wide-eyed slate… She played her intellect the same way she played her disorder; she would pretend to be trying to hide it, all the while proudly displaying it, framed in carefully constrcuted 'accidental' scenarios. …her transparent manipulation was so clearly a product of a true discomfort with who she really was that I could not feel inferior to her."

Perhaps I did feel inferior and that is what differentiates me from the narrator; she accepted her friend's behavior while I could not tolerate such duplicity. Maybe I'm being too judgmental but I believe in frankness and outright honesty in a friendship. Then again, am I not contradicting myself by portraying a superficial façade while harboring prejudices deep inside? These prejudices are caused by seemingly simple (and probably foolish) reasons: 'because so-and-so applied to Brown…' and 'because so-and-so has too much an (negative) influence over me…' that makes me wonder if indeed, the real problem lies within myself. Don't worry, this is not so much of a rant than a random harmless expression of my thoughts.

Temporary loss of internet connection and my 'Prince of Egypt' download is disrupted. Sighs.

Right before this passage, I read an article 'Broken People' by Asohan. How true that a hurting and suppressed soul might just be lurking behind every innocent smile and seeming laughter. On a totally unrelated note, there are so many contrasting opinion over the recent most talked about controversy. It is interesting how each side stood so firmly defending themselves, and their actions; both sides of the argument are actually quite sound.

A question, if you may: "Now here's a riddle to guess if you can/ Sing the bells of Notre Dame/ Who is the monster and who is the man?/ Sing the bells, bells, bells, bells of Notre Dame."

I wish…

2010-01-08T07:33:00.001-08:00

2010 wish list (as of Jan 8 2010):

The Knife of Never Letting Go –Patrick Ness
I was intrigued when I saw this on poisonkagero's blog. Reviewers labelled it a dark fiction, hmmm it might be refreshing. I'm currently suffering from a dearth of good contemporary fiction here.
Freakonomics AND Superfreakonomics –Steven Levitt
A current student in Brown brought this up in an e-mail. Curious, I did some research and now, I feel ashamed for not knowing this sooner. (and here I thought I knew everything there is to know when I was an applicant to UoC) 1. Steven Levitt is a Prof in UChicago. 2. It'll be interesting to see the world from an economist's point of view. 3. Rave reviews, and glowing recommendations from all quarters. 4. I'm a prospective Economics major. 5. Steven Levitt and UoC!!!
Have a Little Faith –Mitch Albom
Been itching to get my hands on this book ever since it first made its debut in October. The exorbitant price of the hardcover version is too much for poor me; I'll have to patiently wait for the paperback one.

Empress Orchid –Anchee Min
The Last Empress was good but sources claim Empress Orchid is better. Anchee Min's style is altogether different from the fictions I usually read; 'clumsy' usage of words and insignificant contexts are sometimes included. But it is a good read for a noob in China history like me.
Decision letters that start with CONGRATULATIONS! J

I feel so uninspired to study today, so I searched my laptop and dug out the antiquated videos of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Last time I watched this was when I was in elementary school, and hmmm my memory of it is quite vague. I don't think the then-shallow-minded me ever understood the plot of this animated film, which has really beautiful songs and a remarkable plot, if you ask me.

2010-01-05T07:55:00.001-08:00

I hate it when I can't seem to connect the dots after studying a topic for the hundredth time, when I don't understand the topic enough to be able to explain it in my own words.

It's simple but why can't I get it????? Frustrating.

This is like a replay of my struggle with Bio in high school. Ugghh…

cheers

2010-01-03T05:18:00.001-08:00

I ushered in the new year, chatting with Chin in the car while she drove us home.

A year ago, at the same time, I was lamenting the arrival of 2009 with Jean-li, while at my cousin's house. What a year it has been since then!

New years always evoke nostalgic feelings and bittersweet memories in me -memories of what had been, what have been and what could have been. (Suffice to say, my path has been pretty smooth so far, aside from occasional bumps here and there.) And sometimes, new years conjures memories of the road not taken –the 'what ifs'. What if I went against the flow and stayed in F6 instead? How much difference would it make to myself, and the people around me, I wonder. What if I had chosen some other major besides Economics, and wasn't sent here to this school? What if I decided to join the matriculation program instead? My list of what-ifs is infinite.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I-/ I took the one less travelled by,/ And that has made all the difference.

I will never know if it is better for me to take the other paths but for now, I am more than contented with all that my life offers –the ups, the downs, the stress, the 'madness', the freedom, the choices, the opportunities, the PEOPLE I get to interact with (both new and old friends). J I feel like my world is so much wider than what it was. As for whether I've become a better person than who I was, that's not for me to tell.

Currently, I find solace in the cup of tea, the bottle of snacks, the new 2010 calendar and the pile of uncleared books on my study desk -the Economics notes to be revised, the Accounting assignment to be done, the super-thick and intimidating Kaplan SAT and random storybooks-. This is my life. Here's to a (hopefully splendid) new year!

Welcome, 2010!

submitted, downloaded.

2009-12-30T22:42:00.001-08:00

It's done. All my applications are submitted. And with that, the agonizing wait begins.

For now, I just want to put an end to my unceasing doubts and uncertainties –are my essays good enough for them?/ I should not have tried too hard./ is my CV impressive enough? etc-. The whole process has been so tiring and is slowly, but surely, eating the life out of me. My friend was right, I live, breathe, eat and sleep applications. Even as I reluctantly pressed the SUBMIT button yesterday night and watched as all my effort (whether good enough or not) was sent to the decision-makers, a wave of relief -and despair- swept over me. I could no longer edit and improve my personal essays (what if I'm trying to be someone I'm not in the personal statements? more distressing moments…); I am putting myself on full display to the admission committee, vulnerabilities, strengths, iniquities and all.

I reached home in the afternoon today, and found an envelope addressed to me from UChicago. Inside was a greeting card with a message from my counselor: Hi, Ee Xin! Congratulations on your admission to UChicago! I hope you'll join us (and all the gargoyles) this new year. (Was it a random reference to the gothic architecture of the school or was it because I mentioned something about gargoyles in my 'Why UoC?' essay, I wonder.) I held the card, with mixed feelings. Ecstasy at being admitted to one of my first-choice schools, and frustration at the prospect of my 'sponsor' standing in the way of my dream.

I wish I could dismiss the past week's obsession with applications with a mere shrug and a "Whatever!". But I couldn't. It is here, embedded deep in my mind, taunting and mocking me.

*shrugs* Whatever! It's done, anyway.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2009-12-22T05:09:00.001-08:00

I am so sick and tired of being pushed around, and having people determine my future.

Frankly, I doubt anyone outside the small sphere of US college applicants will
ever understand the degree of competition to enter the top US unis, and the amount of work we put into applying, for that matter. Do you think a simple "I'm sure they have their reasons for doing so" justifies the decision? This is SO MUCH MORE than just filling in an application form and waiting for the result. I really loathe people who take my efforts in applying and my achievement for granted.

Look at your system! No wonder everyone is deserting you. You reward mediocrity; you expect conformity to your rules and you heap scorn on those who are different, yet unique in their own way. My cousin once told me that you are a sick and mutated bunch. I could not understand her then but I think I finally get it now.

You really are sick, twisted and mutated.

0100

2009-12-21T09:22:00.001-08:00

Here I am, at an ungodly hour, earphones plugged and fingers on the keyboard, when I should dreaming sweet dreams and curling myself into a lump of shrimp-like blanket on the bed now.

My fleeting thoughts have been betraying me these days; I can't recall what this post was supposed to be about, although the idea occurred to me just over a minute ago. I have one essay and two (or maybe three) applications due next week, one mid-term tomorrow (which I have LITERALLY not started studying for) and assignments piling up into a mountain. I used to be this good girl who would clear her mountainous pile of homework whenever it becomes unbearable, and it IS becoming unbearably high now.

I am quite ashamed of myself and how I copy my assignments from the Internet (only making meager effort to change certain parts and add my own ideas). I believe in handing up a work worth my name on it, but these assignments are just so unnecessary and foolish that I can't bring myself to spend a few hours on it when I could have spent the time reading my books instead (of which I'm neglecting these days). Some classes taking so much of our time, yet all we take home from these classes are bits and pieces of conversations with our classmates (read: Why do we have to spend two hours re-learning grammar, paragraphing and thesis statements? Not trying to brag, but surely a 117 from TOEFL justifies my frustration with the English class?). Then again, who am I to judge whether a class, or an assignment, for that matter, is worth my time and effort?

Teach me something I don't already know; give me REAL homework, not mere pieces of papers taken from some revision book. I miss struggling with Additional Mathematics.

trembling…

2009-12-15T22:09:00.001-08:00

I. HAVE. BEEN. ADMITTED. INTO. U. OF. CHICAGO.

All glory to Him who made this possible because God knows how much I want this and how long I agonised over this admission result.

This is surreal. I keep on checking the decision letter to make sure I didn't read it wrongly but it's there: Congratulations! It is my great pleasure to inform you that you have been admitted to the University of Chicago, Class of 2014.

And I know all my headaches, late nights, dinners in front of laptop; they're all worth it.

labyrinths

2009-12-15T04:44:00.001-08:00

Read borges y yo ('Borges and I') from Jorge Luis Borge's Labyrinths. I really like his perspective, how he put them into words and how those words, in return, capture the very essence of his emotions. How do I translate that and reinterpret it personally for my admission essay? sighs. I think I'll have to re-examine myself.

I find myself thinking a lot about high school these days. How we slept behind the textbook during History, how my eyelids will naturally droop in Physics and Bio class, how we challenged Mr.Cheang to a netball game and got ourselves free 100 PLUS without winning, how I got to know juniors who live in wholly opposite worlds through volleyball, how I held my tears and stupidly cried during Maths paper after being scolded by Pn.Lam for being irresponsible, how the three stooges insisted on doing things together, how everything last year was our 'last' (last sports day, last GB camp, last LTC, last netball game…) and how I really felt like I belong in school, despite all the unhappiness and occassional frustration that come with it.

I've never really thought of uniten as MY school, which is why everything feels so ephemereal sometimes. So transient, like it's there for a moment and the next, it's gone. Perhaps I'm not taking this school seriously enough, my mind is fixed on those in the US after all. But also perhaps because everyone else isn't. My point being my world here -friendships, bonds, lecturers and all- feels like it will evaporate once I 'graduate'. Or will it? I don't know.

Labyrinths -a confusing set of connecting passages or paths in which it is easy to get lost. I like that word.

brain jam

2009-12-09T04:20:00.001-08:00

My sleeping pattern is a mess.

And I have a love-hate relationship with the person I'm becoming. More easygoing, joyful, random, rebellious and exciting but too much fun also makes me much lazier.

I vow to clear the mounting pile of undone work this weekend but as for now, sleep comes first.

What don't you know? sighs. It is killing me!

two done, six more to go

2009-12-06T22:14:00.001-08:00

I read somewhere: never regret doing something that made you smile. How true, indeed. And in the midst of all my self-doubts and occassional bouts of loneliness, I find plenty of reasons to smile and laugh.

Slacking. Frankly, most of my foundation subjects now are a bore.
Putting insane and random ideas into action. Being with crazy friends really drives me crazy sometimes.
Breaking rules. J Deliberately entering class an hour later, returning to the apartment after 12am, (watching) playing DoTA in computing class etc.
Embarassing ourselves (by walking into a restaurant, sitting down, looking through the menu, gasping at the price and leaving; the whole time, the waiter was staring at us).
Talking and laughing over nothing for hours.
Gossip Girls. To think that I might be going to the places mentioned and seen in the series one day, I just can't imagine.
Encouraging and assisting one another with college applications. Complaining about statistics and sponsors, dreaming about entering our dream schools, admiring past seniors who got into Ivy Leagues and editing and writing long comments for others' essays.

Lifelong friends or not, they are honestly godsend.

heaven is beyond what I can conceive

2009-11-26T09:49:00.001-08:00

Listening to: Heaven is the Face (Steven Curtis Chapman)

A series of unfortunate events (no pun intended) happened today. It made me so frustrated that I could not do anything to alleviate the situation. No one was in the apartment and suddenly, I felt so alone. I wished and wished that I had went home to Ipoh or went out to The Mines with my roommate instead. I decided to just sleep the afternoon away to escape all the worries. At night, again, I felt so depressed and defeated (yes, that's the word), after stumbling upon some really discouraging websites, that I just want to cry. It was like everything has gone wrong and I could not undo anything. My roommate had yet to return and I ate my dinner in the company of 'Aladdin'. Pathetic. I'm feeling much better now, after chatting with Ridhwan and ZH and finally having found a passion which I can expound on for my application essay.

This was such a contrast to yesterday night when we (KB, ZH, my housemate, Sally and I) randomly went for a late night movie. (All arrangements and plans were made within ten minutes.) I remembered how every little thing seemed so hilarious to me and I could not stop laughing at every single remark anyone made. Perhaps it's because it was already 1am and I was feeling a little 'light-headed'. That's one of the plus point of studying in college. You can choose not to be constrained by rules and no one can stop you. You can appear in class an hour later than the supposed time the next morning (which was what I did) and still get away with it, if the lecturer is kind enough. In high school, there are school rules, teachers and expectations that come with being a prefect. Freedom comes with a price, of course. I had meant to do a write-up on the main differences between high school and college life but never found the time. Probably next time.

Oh, and bringing phones and mp3s to class seriously doesn't affect lessons much, if the student is responsible enough. I know of people who used their phones to check answers during quizzes and laptops to watch movies during lessons but it's all harmless fun.

Back to my essay and I need a good talk with my parents.

2009-11-19T20:20:00.001-08:00

College applications. Essays. Self-reflection and contemplations. Expressing inner voice. Forte? Maybe. Extra-curricular activities. Doubts. Comparison with peers. Admission statistics. More doubts (and hopelessness). SAT Subject Test scores. Anxiety. Worried (and not unduly). TOEFL score. Shrugs. Too exhausted to care. Deadlines. Chasing. Ivies or Ivy-standards. Talents. Crème de la crème. Loss of confidence. Chicago. Gone wrong. Need to patch up holes in application. Comfort? Essays. Interview? No comments. I surrender ALL to Him. So distant though.

New semester. Higher expectations of self. Different environment, subjects, people. Adapting. Slacking. More time for sports, crazy random stuff. And reading. Life changing. Tastes for food, clothing. Music, revamped playlist. Books, new genre. Economics. Still blur but coping. Career choice so far from intended major. Weird. Shrugs. Kinda miss SAT a little. Lame I know.

Lunch beckons.

ps.those who really knows me will understand what i'm thinking now.

colors

2009-11-16T05:23:00.000-08:00

Here are the promised pictures of my genting day trip:

I love colourful stuffs! so many things for sale but no time to examine them all. :(

On our way to the theme park.

Colourful ‘windmills’! I have one facing my window now and I love watching it turn when the wind blows.

KB’s cornflakes with hot coffee. If you think that’s ugghh, billy usually has his coffee with raw egg inside.

In front of the ‘French Village’ in first-world. The place was really pretty. ahhh, why is the pic so blur?

KB’s lame idea of covering our faces in the photo. This is everyone who went, 7 people altogether.

From left: nicholas, iqbal, KB, ZH, ridhwan, me and ML

These people are my closer friends here. The trip was a blast although we didn’t really get on all the rides. Highlight of the trip: go-karting under the rain! It’s like having rain splashed on your face and wetting your legs, and the chilly wind just rushing across your cheeks, while you keep pressing on the accelerator and just go faster faster faster. It lasted for only a few minutes though. I even beat KB and ZH at it. :)

The pics took forever to upload. I’ll post more pics of my classmates and the ‘farewell’ party we had during our last TOEFL class once I get hold of them.

2009-11-08T06:38:00.001-08:00

Call me sadistic, but ant-killing sprees make me happy.

And call me weird, but buying really pretty-looking shoes and headbands for newborns makes me excited.

packed

2009-11-07T06:27:00.001-08:00

Despair vs Bliss.

Today (11/07/09) is mixture of both extremes. I sat for my SAT2 on Sat. (haha, repetition of S-A-T is to place emphasis on the exam.) Sorry, overload of Literature. Back to my point. I think I flunked my exam =( Started with Literature, which was really difficult considering there are 60 questions in 60 minutes, and you're actually left with very little time to think and dissect the passages/poems. The fact that I had no Literature background in high school and only decided to take the test two weeks before makes it worse. Ok, it was bad, but not VERY bad although the level is a little harder than predicted. I didn't expect a near-perfect score for Lit so I'm kinda blahhh about this.

The worst subject was Maths! Maths was the subject I had the most confidence in, and was aiming for a near-perfect score. I sat down, started doing the questions and was going quite well until… The woman announced that there were 20 minuted left (it is a 1-hour test with 50 questions). I just started worrying about the time and couldn't concentrate. I knew the test was not VERY hard, yet I couldn't do it. Even the easier questions felt hard to me. I worried even more when some of the answers I found were not in the answer choices. There was a question which I didn't know how to do; right after I passed up my paper, I remembered the solution. =( It was depressing. Chemistry, the subject I most worried about, ironically, was manageable.

All I can do know is pray and hope that each subject's score will at least start with a 7.

Bliss. My friends and I made a last-minute decision to go to Sunway after the exam. It was fun! We went for lunch at TGI Friday's, and was blown off by the ahem price of the food (I don't know whose lame suggestion was that). We (they, actually) did a very kiam-sap thing; all of them shared only one soft drink, and kept on asking for refills. We then went to the arcade, and played a a few irrationally-priced yet 'addictive' and crazy games; wanted to try archery but only one got to have a go; bowling was =.=". Notice how I missed out 'shopping'. There's a stark contrast between going out with a group of guys and a group of girls here. With girls, all you do is shop, entering every single shop and looking at their clothes. With guys, you get no time to shop; I just don't understand their obsession with bowling and arcade games. Their only overlap: the cinema (and the bookstore).

Speaking of which, I finally have time for my books!(even though TOEFL is on this Sat, I'm just too tired to care about yet another exam) I don't think I'll have enough time to rest during these few weekends. Just went out today, going out to meet my parents tomorrow and going to Genting with my friends on Monday. wheeee… Genting was an abrupt decision, too. But to pay less than RM50 for the transportation (to and fro), cable car and theme park tickets is truly a bargain. I just hope the package is still available. =) haha, nope, we have not gotten the tickets yet. And next Sat, after TOEFL, we'll most probably go to the nearest shopping mall again because it's finally over! Somewhere between next Sun and the next week, I'll have to schedule my interview with the UoC alumni somewhere. The interview is optional and I didn't know what drove me to request an interview. (I know, which nutcase will request for an interview, right?) Err, I think I wrote about that in my previous entry but oh, well, I think I'll enjoy it.

After weeks of being cooped up in my room every weekend, I finally get to do exciting stuffs, like genting and the interview. =) I like weekends packed with activities; eventually I end up exahusted but so fulfilled. I'm so glad I finally have time to create memories outside my room, or 'tempurung' as my friends call it.

Just when I was wondering about my seemingly pointless existence in the midst of the pre-SAT stress, surprises come along to bright me up. Life is not that depresing after all. =) (This is what my optimistic self is feeling right now; don't blame me if I contradict myself in some other entries, that might just be my more pessimistic self speaking.)

PS. I'm becoming a KTM/LRT expert. Not bad for one who only started using public transport a few months ago.

insanely fun

2009-11-03T06:31:00.001-08:00

You know how some crazy idea just pops up in your mind sometimes, and you know it is a really good (but still crazy) idea, but you tend to proscratinate and in the end, when you finally got round to doing it, the idea doesn't seem so crazily fun anymore. Ok, maybe I'm confusing you guys but it happens to me a lot. And by not acting upon those insane ideas I got, I think I missed quite a lot of fun.

So I'm really glad I e-mailed one of the columnists in starmag and showed him the essay I wrote about his column for my application. I know it's crazy but oh, well, no harm done, right. I got a reply from him soon after (I always feel jumpy and excited when I get personally written e-mails. haha). I mean, I didn't exactly gain anything but I didn't lose anything either. It just makes me feel happy to let him know that his work is much-appreciated by a teenager.

On another note, I got addressed as 'Xin Wong' and 'Ee' in e-mails before. Note to self: Use (surname)(last name) when e-mailing people in Msia and (last name)(surname) when e-mailing people in US. hmmmmmmm

the fear you won’t fall

2009-11-02T07:55:00.001-08:00

The mind ought sometimes to be diverted, that it may return the better to thinking. –'Fans' by Joseph Addison-

Overdose of American and European prose and poetry and chemical formulas. Need a break. Test is just four days away! And I found out yesterday I can't use a calculator for the chemistry test. wow, great. Imagine a chemistry test involving so many calculations using all sorts of weird numbers and we have to work it out on paper. Ok, maybe we are too pampered with calculators nowadays. Mental arithmetic training might be good. I dunno.

I finally submitted my application to Chicago. Aahhh, there's this nagging feeling I could've put in more stuff about myself. Maybe I'll e-mail them and request an interview (I wouldn't mind a phone/skype interview.that'll be way cool). Or maybe I'll send in an extra personal note (if they allow it) or a piece of my previous efforts at creative writing. I actually felt quite satisfied with my essays, but after submitting them, I'm having doubts. I dunno, it's just me. (thanks for proofreading the essays, Jess.)

Oh, and I finally got my SAT score.

pile of work

2009-10-27T05:14:00.001-07:00

I have to cram a whole summarised version of the lower Six's chemistry syllabus in my mind in just a week. To make things worse, I forgot most of the things we learnt in high school AND I have to self-study the subject. Best part of it is, I have to sit for the standardised exam in ten days time. I feel so blur and confused with all the chemistry facts now. Gibbs free energy, entropy, rate law, equilibrium constant, conjugate acid blah blah… I just hope I don't mix up everything on test day. Plus, I have to cope with Maths Level 2, which is a mixture of a lil Lower Six maths and add maths (it's much easier than lower six maths, though). Ellipses, hyperbola, parabolas, asymptotes etc etc, oh man… And Literature which is kind of a pleasant subject only when you understand the poems, plays, excerpts; when you don't, it becomes really frustrating. Self-study again.

I have yet to finish writing my letters, compiling my ECAs and editing my CV and admission essays. Deadline: Nov1 (let's see. that's three more days to go.) I have never felt so pressured in my life (okay, maybe I have) but at times, I feel like all the work is sapping life out of me.

"Let's go to The Mines for dinner (and study) tonight."

"No thank you. I'll eat bread tonight."

"Let's go jogging later."

"Oh, okay!" (but falls asleep at the appointed time.)

"Come to my house to study later?"

"Nah, I'll just end up talking."

I have my dinner in front of my laptop screen, while watching PART of a movie to unwind (or working with my essays). I have 'Eldest' and 'The Last Lecture' with me but no time to read them. How pathetic is that? Ironically, it is in class that life happens, when I can talk and laugh and not worry about all the work to be done because everyone is similar.

It is amazing when you can find solidarity in pain. ß borrowed from someone's blog

Peers + Pressure

2009-10-21T05:03:00.001-07:00

Have been going through some old writings of mine in search of inspiration. I don't know why but I can't seem to write. I mean, I can write academic essays, blogs. But when it comes to more personal essays, I can't seem to put my thoughts into words. I can only think of three reasons why. 1. I lost my flair for writing. Wrote too many factual, academic essays. 2. Too much thoughts, I always go "Eureka!" halfway through an essay and start a new one with a better idea. So all my essays are unfinished. 3. Don't read enough these days. Or maybe it's the type of books I'm reading. My writing style is always very much affected by what I last read. So anyway, I've been going through my drafts and I discovered some really interesting pieces. Will post them soon.

Anyway, been wanting to post this long time ago. I don't like socialising or networking for the sake of it. I'm not really a people person, and frankly, is there anything wrong with preferring to spend more time with a few really close friends rather than know everyone but in fact, not know them at all? I don't see the need for a FACEBOOK account (so thank you very much kayee for creating the 'EEXIN, GET A FB ACCOUNT' group but it's not working =P) or a MYSPACE page or a FRIENDSTER and what-nots. I want real friends, people who know me for who I am, my strengths and flaws, people I can actually talk to and discuss my thoughts with.

Sorry, but this is the more conservative and reserved part of me. Facebook? Neh, not for me.

Ps. Kayee, this is a classic example of PEER PRESSURE. =)

distorted truth

2009-10-10T21:13:00.001-07:00

What can I possibly do about what had been done?

And yet, I find myself agonizing over decisions made, both trivial and significant. Like how I changed my originally correct answer to a wrong one and how I wasn't able to produce a competent essay that is "worthy of my name", to quote Ms.Dena, yesterday. These small things always leave me in a state of doubt. I become unsure of my capabilities.

I tried. I really did try to cast all my worries unto Him. It worked, temporarily, and then the despair and self-doubt will return again, with a vengeance. I am in dire need of a healthy dose of self-confidence, and ironically, distractions from my thoughts. Which is why I have been drowning my thoughts with a lot of loud music these days and surrounding myself with nice joyful people.

It is like seeing myself reflected in a warped mirror. All bent and broken but I'll be better.

Unfailing love - rediscovered

2009-10-03T00:20:00.001-07:00

Your mercy found me,
Upon the broken road,
And lifted me beyond my failing,
Into Your glory,
My sin and shame dissolved,
And now forever Yours I'll stand.

(Pre-Chorus)
In love never to end,
To call You more than Lord,
Glorious friend.

(Chorus)
So I throw my life upon all You are,
'Cause I know You gave it all for me,
And when all else fades,
My soul will dance with You,
Where the love lasts forever.

(Bridge)
And forever I will sing,
Lord forever I will sing,
Of how You gave Your life away,
Just to save me, Lord You saved me.

With You, where the love lasts forever.

-Where the Love Lasts Forever, Hillsong-

I'm glad it's still in me.

Living, or just existing?

2009-10-01T08:16:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the lack of update.

Holidays are over. And by over, I mean, LITERALLY over. THE test is only a week away and I'm not sure if I can achieve my target. I still suck at the writing section, and the lecturers aren't exactly of much help. Darn…

These few days are the most stressful of my time here so far. Final exams are right after THE test and right after final exams, I'll have to start cramming Chem and Add Maths-like stuff in my mind for another test which is less than a month away. And my application to UoC is due on Nov 1. How? how? how?

It is times like these that I miss home the most. At least, I don't have to have bread and biscuits for dinner or face an unappetising lunch everyday. It is times like these that reminds me of the unadulterated joy of high school. Close friends who we have known for like 'eternity' to whom I can pour out my heartfelt emotions effortlessly. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly happy and content with the company I have here but there is certainly a big difference between friendships that have lasted for a few months and friendships that have endured for a few years.

I might be placing undue pressure on myself; I still have a second attempt for both SAT and TOEFL, the REAL deadline for applications is only on Jan 1 2010 and it's not like I find it hard to cope with subjects for final exams. But it's just... I want to get things out of minds, to get them done asap so I don't have to worry incessantly about them.

Oh well. I need to do random stuffs like this to de-stress. Bear with me if you guys receive weird/ random text messages out of nowhere.

2009-09-17T05:20:00.001-07:00

Coping with a splitting headache now.

At last, I'll be back in around 40 hours more! I can already imagine all the stuff I'm gonna do while at home: eat, PENANG, lepak, eat, catch up on latest news, STUDY, spend time with loved ones, eat. Whee… I'm so excited but I can't decide what to pack and bring home. This marks the 'end' of my first sem here since I will have no more sem break after this.

Brief update: I aced my Acc test! Highest at 19.6/20 =) Bright prospect for SAT Critical Reading and TOEFL Writing classes, too. I think I'll flunk SAT Writing classes, though (as long as I don't flunk my real SAT). Everyone has been putting in extra hours into revision due to the impending EXAM but the raya mood is really seeping in. Lecturers are more lenient, we are lazier but Miss Asha still makes us work hard during TOEFL Writing classes. We write, on average, six essays a week in class under timed conditions. Compare that to high school, big difference huh? Still, somehow, it seemed easier to churn out essays during classes. And I like my SAT Maths lecturer a lot =)

Lunch breaks are usually my highlight of the day =) That's when we'll get to fool around and talk crap. Not like we are less crappier in class, especially with Sally and Billy around. Oh, I'll be going out tomorrow to restock my food and to relax. I'm so looking forward to buying lots and lots and lots of nice food (with sponsor's $$, of course).

Did I mention the raya mood is really in the air today? I made Nik promise to bring lots of raya biscuits for us. My usual 'lunch companions' and I had a 'farewell' lunch today; I was cheated into treating them iced Milo. It feels a little sad saying bye to them, though, even if it's just for a week. I can't imagine how the farewell will be like when we leave for US. *shudders*

That's all for now. I'll tell you guys more stories on Saturday night! Can't wait…

Eventful 91109

2009-09-12T01:24:00.001-07:00

Birthday surprises are always very pleasant. =)

91109 started off with text and online messages which really made me smile. Jess, Jia Foong, Yeesan, Phuiyan, Chin, Kayee, Andrew, Kylie, Sokwai, Kityee, Yipee & Tapee, Puimun, Lydia, Wenghong, Judee were some of which I remembered. I didn't reply most of your texts but they made me feel loved, even when I'm away from family and (old) friends. Thanks, guys, the simple 'happy birthday' did wonders. The guys in KB's apartment, Aaron, Sanjay, Louis, KB, Chin and Nic, even video-called and started singing Happy Birthday. Now, THAT was a surprise. I went to bed feeling really excited.

The next morning, I discovered a note written to me by my roommate. She had supposedly prepared breakfast for me in the kitchen but I found this 'bun' keychain with a face drawn on it with 'chocolate' instead. It was inedible, of course, but cute. She had to wait for me to sleep the night before writing the note and I was dilly-dallying till nearly 1am. Ooops. Second surprise=) I went to class and there were birthday wishes again. Nik, Lina, Ridh, Ain, Amore and Atul bought me chocolates, which I was craving for. Third surprise=) After Speaking class, ML suddenly produced an Elmo balloon and a 'colourful windmill'. I'm fascinated with the 'windmill' and the Elmo balloon is well, nice to hit people with. Then, we ate the I-dunno-what-you-call-it that Billy baked the night before. It's made of bread, sausages, cheese, mushrooms and onions. I pronounced it a PASS WITH FLYING COLOURS.

Oh, I received the letters and birthday card that my family sent me. I like packages from home. After lunch, we lazed around while waiting for the next class to begin. And suddenly, ML brought a cake into the class and everyone gathered and sang and cut and attacked the cake; we just stuck our forks in and started eating. It was secret recipe's choc moist cake and it was REALLY nice. Fourth surprise=) I had pizza for dinner with my housemates, Ainie, Sally and CF. After eating, we took a group picture and laughed our heads off when my roommate started editing the picture. We experimented with different hairstyles in the pics and it was HILARIOUS! CF looked soooo leng chai in short hair and Sally weird in bob. I was literally rolling on the floor and they only went back to their rooms at 11pm.

I'm officially 18! Thanks everyone making my 18^th birthday a great one. They really succeeded in making me feel guilty.

and on 91209,

I was awakened by Billy's phone call at 2.30am that apparently, Sally and CF thinks their housemates 'dirasuk hantu' and they're coming over to my room. They were in my room around 10 minutes later with bags, clothes, towels and all. It was nerve-wrecking because they sounded afraid and my roommate has this intensely scared look on her face the whole time. There were irregularities in their housemates' behaviour when they went back, they said, and some weird noises drove them over to my room. I have no idea whether this is true, or maybe it was them thinking too much. Sally has this tendency to exaggerate, as everyone knows, but CF was pretty serious so I took her word for it. Anyway, I slept again at around 3.30am because I'll have to wake up at 6.30am the next day and I really can't function without sleep. They only slept for about an hour.

Case is still unresolved and I doubt it ever will be. Anyway, another birthday 'party' tonight for another classmate=)

pent-up frustrations

2009-09-03T03:28:00.000-07:00

Ahh!!! I'm not perfect so my blog can't be light-hearted forever...

#1 Inferiority. I'm starting to feel inferior to some of my classmates (intelligence-wise and in other aspects). I know, I know, does Ee Xin EVER feel inferior to others? To which my reply is: I am just a teenager. Getting the same stupid old score after trying out numerous practice tests does infuriate me. The fact that I KNOW I'm capable of getting much higher makes it more !!!!!. To quote Nik, it is so de-motivating.

#2 Emotions. I hate it when I lose control of them and this happened quite frequently nowadays. Thank goodness only Ainie noticed the subtle changes to my mood and actions. She's a girl who lives in her own world but we pretty much share the same thoughts so I'm glad I have her as company.

#3 Overthinking. I'm doing it again. Another thing I tend to do a lot is to over-analyse situations. Don't ask me how I acquired this annoying habit, I was not like that when a kid. Which is why my newly-revised application essay will be about the beauty of childhood: its simplicity.

#4 Distance. How far I feel from God, sometimes. At times, it's as if all the noises around me, the chaos and distractions of the world have drowned out His voice and I would feel this void within me. I want to re-build my relationship with God.

#5 Suppression. I'm still very much affected by what someone said: Don't bite the hands that feed you. I refuse to conform and be brainwashed. Am I supposed to suppress all my thoughts if they are controversial? Do I need to don a mask and pretend that I am happy and satisfied? Why do I have this sudden strong urge to speak up for transparency in goverment practices and total freedom of speech? U.S.'s education system better be much more different.

I need a vent for my thoughts. Off to dinner, I seem to be always starving here.

My love affair

2009-08-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

I am in love.

I met him again today, in a bookstore. The sound of his words, the lure of his external self; it’s too much for me to resist. I want to be with him so much, yet there was always this physical barrier between us: money. Sometimes, desire overtakes my senses and I will indulge. This happened a lot in the past but we have been apart for a few months now because I was too busy with studies to deal with the inner desire for him within me. Other things eventually took over his place, albeit momentarily. Plus, one of my lecturers discouraged any further relationship between us, even though I completely disagree with her. Most, though, held him in high regard.

I enjoy conversing with people about him. I enjoy listening to people talk about how they adore him. People’s reaction to him is an influence to my perception about them. I enjoy introducing people, especially those who have not experienced the pleasure of his company, to him. I believe I have inroduced some of you to him, and I’m glad most of you liked him as well.

I enjoy holding him in my hands. I enjoy having him by my side whenever I am alone. Having been with him for most of my life, I never realised how passionate I am about him. Somehow, the mere sight or a conversation about him gets me all jittery and jumpy, and my eyes would sparkle with excitement. Meeting him after a drought of nearly half a year aroused in me a deep sense of longing.

I will not be who I am today without him, DEFINITELY.

‘Books’, he is a huge part of my life.

*Visiting Borders in Times Square today rekindled my passion for books. By books, I don’t mean reference or academic books, but rather mind-stimulating non-fictions and imaginative and lively fictions. Purchasing books satisfies the void within me as much as buying all kinds of unnecessary stuffs does to a shopaholic.

Current love: the Catcher in the Rye –J.D. Salinger-

Previous love: (reread) Jane Eyre –Charlotte Bronte-*

not so much of a paradigm shift

2009-08-29T06:02:00.001-07:00

*stunned* Princeton is gorgeous.

I have the sudden urge to blog again. Argghh… What am I doing here? I seriously need to get back to my books!!!!! *imagines the SAT books calling out to me*

Sorry… Feeling a little out of my mind now. I feel like I have a lot to write about today… Wheee…

Random thought #1

Have (and will be) been sleeping at 12.30am lately. I hate coffee, so Chinese tea makes a pretty good substitute. =) No side effects, and it's healthy. Problem is, my roommate has been providing me with the tea leaves so kinda paiseh. Note to self: MUST remember to bring Chinese tea leaves from home. Don't worry, I have not evolved into a nerd, at least, not yet. Sleeping at 12++ is actually quite early compared to some of the guys who sleep around 2 or 3am. Kiasu-lah they all =P… Anyway, I don't think I'll be as 'hardworking' as I am now if not for them. The positive side of peer pressure, I guess. (Okay-lah, kiasu lor…) Seriously, the dreaded day is approaching FAST (and it's coming one after another) and I feel so not ready and there are so mannnyyyy stuff to cover and so mannnnyyy things to learn and so many practice tests to try, so have to start burning midnight oil. Like one of them said, stress for 4 months and after that, we'll be FREE (well, not exactly, just a lil free-er…). Doomsday #1- 10 Oct, #2- 7 Nov, #3- 14 Nov.

AND I don't even have a Chemistry book yet! What the….. Nvm.

Bright side is I can wake up at 8am (or later) everyday! So I still get my 8 hours of sleep.

Random thought #2

*lost my train of thought*… wait…..

Ahh… There's this Critical Reading section that uses a lot of BOMBASTIC vocab – words such as 'garrulous, corpulence, sanguine, cantankerous etc'- so you can just imagine the sight of me flipping through the huge dictionary every now and then while doing exercises while listening to my MP3 (addicted to Daughtry's newest album now. My earphones just failed me!) with a laptop on the study table (either mine or roomamte's) and a study lamp by the side. Anyway, we'll be trying out these SAT words on one another in class. There was this one time when ZH was describing another guy who was looking kinda grim.

Zh: Eh, he's moron ahh...

Me: ??? MORON? Morose is it? =.="

Oh, using flashcards to study is really effective.

Random thought #3

I mentioned this to someone before. I really like my study table now cos I can just look out the window at the trees and road and people passing by and daydream (which I do really often). Sometimes, there'll be birds. I love it even more when it rains!

Random thought #4

Ok, this is a not-so-light-hearted thought…

I feel quite lost about happenings back in Ipoh, sometimes. I really want to be told about what is happening back home. Don't leave me in the dark just because I'm not there. Haihh.. This is to be expected, I guess. Even when I was in Ipoh, I'll still be blur and always the last one to know about everything. Hmm, wonder what it'll be like when I'm in US.

Special thanks to my occasional CNNs, though =)

Random thought #5

Getting more and more worried about my application to US unis. During random bouts of low self-esteem, I'll wonder if I'm good enough for an Ivy-standard, or even an Ivy. At times, I hate to be portrayed as the 'smart girl who has good English' etc. It's like a kind of expectation of me to perform well, especially in English-related stuff. It can be a kind of motivation to strive and work hard. When it gets too much, though, it becomes unbearable. I mean, I know my capabilities and limitations. So, if I get there, congratulate and be happy for me, but please don't make me feel bad if I don't. I want to be happy with whatever I got.

And with 'whatever I got', it means whichever school accepts me.

That's all for now. I can't remember what else I wanted to write about. IT'S 9PM ALREADY!! Time to study.

Ps. Strangely, despite all the studying at night, it doesn't feel stressful at all compared to the pre-SPM days. Maybe cos I don't really mind studying more English-y stuff, not those that requires you to memorise memorise and memorise. It's just the thought of the exam that frightens me sometimes.

Enjoy =)

2009-08-26T07:47:00.000-07:00

Back.

I’ve just realized I have never devoted a proper post to telling you guys about my classmates. So since I feel like writing now, here goes…

Hmm, there are 21 people in my class and it’s considered a lot, since others have only around 17. There are 3 PPOU (my preparatory course) classes and 2 PPC (local scholars) classes here. All are sponsored students under JPA, BNM, Sime Darby and MARA. I’m in Section 03, and all of us are under JPA, taking economics or business admin.

And my classmates are (according to seating positions):

-YY (Quiet but can be quite chatty if you tried talking to her.)

-C (Nice girl with a fashionable sense of dressing. Cares a lot about others.)

-P (C’s good friend. Reminds me of MayJet when I first saw her. She IS a bit like MJ.)

-Nic (P’s ‘other half’, haha. A gentleman and a really humble and selfless guy. My companion to CF meetings, even though he’s not a Christian.)

-Billy (Boisterous. Noisy. Aims to get 2400 (perfect score) for SAT. Crappy, but a nice guy, even though he does weird things. Oh, and he has a crush that EVERYONE knows about.)

-CF (My neighbor, haha! A really nice and friendly gal.)

- Sally (GOSSIP QUEEN! CF’s roommate. Knows everything about everyone’s crushes. Holds ‘gossip meetings’ at her apartment at times. Harmless but REALLY 8.)

-Potato (Nice. Haha…)

-Ain (A friendly and humble girl who calls me WEX. haha)

-Lina (Ain’s good friend. Also a nice girl.)

-Atul (Pleasant, nice…)

-ZH (Ahh, someone I can describe, finally. I never fail to laugh when talking to him. Laughed like mad and couldn’t concentrate the one time I sat beside him in class. Really hardworking and willing to learn. Looked down on my Chinese initially, but I later proved myself capable of conversing in Mandarin.)

-ML (Initially felt rather awkward talking to her but later, found that she is a really nice girl.)

-KB (Another lame guy who looks down on my Chinese, hardworking too. Always makes very weird noises behind me (snore, whistle etc). Too smart till he finds some classes boring, I guess. Apparently, he delivered (NOT ‘GAVE BIRTH’) a piglet before. I like the way he talks.)

-Ainie (My closest friend in class. ‘Obsessed’ with horoscopes and has an unusual personality. Can be really blur at times. Our common interests are books (she liked every book I recommended), music and sometimes, movies. Someone I can talk to.)

-Me.

-Nik (Really modern Malay guy who KNOWS what he wants and likes. Plans to go LA one day and maybe meet Britney Spears (??!). Laughs over the smallest thing and his laughter is really contagious.)

-Iqbal (Nice guy? I know he plays football.)

-Amor (‘Class monitor’. Kinda like a ‘mother hen’ sometimes.)

-Aishah (‘Asst monitor’, haha. Going to UK under another scholarship soon, I think.)

-Rid (Always wanted to be the ‘class mo’, for some reason. Where there’s free food, there he’ll be.)

Blehh, this took longer than expected. Gotta go study and burn midnight oil now, I need a really really really good score in SAT to fly. Class starts at 3pm tomorrow, haha. Jealous?

The road taken

2009-08-09T23:31:00.001-07:00

I incurred the wrath of the 'gods' today. And almost had my entire life (present and future) snatched away from me.

I escaped unscathed (well, kinda…) but being stuck in the problem itself was terrifying. The fact that I was a goody-two-shoe all this while didn't help at all. I didn't know the consequences of my action could be so serious; it seemed like such a small thing. (Making a mountain out of a molehill? Perhaps… That's what 'gods' are best at, anyway.) I never meant for any of this to happen and the warnings and threats stunned me. I didn't know what to do so I did the only thing I could – worry myself sick. Eventually, (like it always does) the problem resolved itself. Thank goodness. Now, I'll just pray and hope that nothing unexpected will crop up again.

Haih... Sometimes, I wish I could muster the courage to be just a teeny-weeny bit more rebellious in life. That's the downside of being a prefect your whole life, I guess – you're always expected to stick by rules and instructions. I'm not saying that it's bad (being a prefect played a big role in moulding me to be who I am today) but you know…. Ahhhh, 'The Road Not Taken' (Robert Frost) sums up my feelings perfectly.

It's my dad's birthday today, so can't be emo for too long… Will elaborate on my philosophical thoughts if I have the time.

Ps. Sorry for the vague picture I painted, I kinda 'sold' my freedom of speech already.

Another shot at JPA

2009-08-02T07:21:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the long lack of updates. It's been REALLY busy here and by busy, I don't mean the 'lots-of-homework' busy but the 'I-don't-know-why-but-time-flies' busy. So if you guys think it's been a SUPER long time since I last updated, please leave a reminder or something. Thanks, sokwai.

So, anyway, I'll just skip the long list of things that happened for the past 2 weeks and summarize everything.

Life here is quite fun, actually.
I'm getting used to my class.
Lessons are actually much more interesting (sometimes), although it's a tad too long.
A co-ed environment is not much different from an all-girls one, except you have to be more careful and you get to laugh a lot more.

I know I know. It's really generalized but to go into details require too much time. Anyway, I went to Taylor's these last 2 days for a workshop on how to apply to US universities. Many people think that applying to US universities is a breeze, much like applying to Australia universities (sorry, Jess, no offence) but truthfully, it's not. The arduous process of having to first take the TOEFL and SAT1 & 2, and then, writing quality admission essays, getting teacher evaluations, recommendation letters, academic transcripts, sending it over to US and finally, another excruciating long wait for the results. Not to forget the heartbreak I'll have to endure if I get rejected by my dream schools, namely Brown and U of Chicago for now. That's what I'll have to go through for the next half a year.

There's one thing, though, that I found quite interesting and that I've never known and I think it would be quite useful for some of you who are interested in going to US to further your studies (and it's not a bad option, I tell you). UK might seem like every teenager's dream destination but consider US as well. But the thing is some of us will not be able to afford to study in US, right? So here's the thing: JPA actually offers scholarships to students who have offers from Ivy League or Ivy League standards or top Liberal Arts Colleges if you write to them requesting for financial aid. So you can actually not get the post-SPM JPA scholarship but due to your own effort, applied and got admitted into a top US school, and still get the JPA scholarship in the end. Makes sense?

I mean, I know people who totally deserve the chance to pursue their tertiary studies overseas. Here's an opportunity, why not try? It might seem hard to get into one of those prestigious universities/ colleges in US but I believe some of us actually do have the potential to get admitted and if you do, the government will (almost certainly) pay. So, just give it a try. I am in no place to guide you guys or whatever because I am still new to the process but well, I'm sure there're lots of sites about this. It just requires your initiative to take the SAT and TOEFL and actually sit down and complete your application.

This is just one of the many options but I think it's worth a try. And it does not just apply to F6/ pre-u students, F5 students should bear in mind that not getting the JPA scholarship later is not the end of the world. This option is actually better, too because they don't have to declare their major earlier like us. So, well, there are A LOT of stuff I used to not know about the US schools system, applications etc and I have to admit, I was kinda brainwashed into thinking UK has the best schools in the world etc but I guess, eventually it's up to you.

So yeah… Hope this post doesn't confuse you guys or anything. Ciao…

2009-07-18T05:54:00.001-07:00

I just saw KaYee's blog and there were a lot of mentions that her wearing formal wear looks awkward…

Eh, I wear formal clothes EVERY Monday lahh and guys here have to wear tie on Mondays… I felt so uncomfortable the first time, but I think I looked nice when wearing long-sleeved shirt tucked in with long pants. Haha (ok, being a lil perasan here)… Oh, and we had to wear formal shoes, so imagine the agony of walking around campus in those shoes the first time I wore them but blah, I got used to it. I pakat-ed with my friend to wear a skirt this Monday, we'll see how I look then. =)

Lessons are okay so far, EVERYTHING is in English and about English. I've been learning mostly SAT and TOEFL classes with only two foundation subjects slotted in –Finance&Acc and Q. Analysis (which is Maths)-. The stuff I learnt in QA is basically almost the same as what I studied in F6 while I was there but truthfully, my lecturer is much better than the previous teacher. I can understand better, he explained in a more detailed manner and there were more discussions. Somehow, I find this 4 hour class more bearable than those 35 minutes classes I had during F6. Finance&Acc is fun because I missed doing accounts, all the figures and sorting docs etc. The terms are different but overall, the whole concept is still the same. It's quite a struggle for those who did not take Acc for SPM though.

I have yet to find the 'perfect' stall for meals, the price is okay here but it varies according to stalls. There are quite a lot of varieties, but mostly typical Malaysian food. Ahhh, I miss pork. I went to Sunway last Sun and lepak-ed with Jamie, looking at all the clothes on sale. It was nice, but the food there was so expensive.

Anyway, that's all for now… Too many things to blog if I wanna talk about everything here.

sorry

2009-07-07T06:33:00.000-07:00

Ppl, I officially can't come back this weekend. And weekends to come due to my Saturday classes. =(

Frankly, I was so looking forward to coming back and when they told us about the Sat class, I was like WHAT?!. So sad, mann... I even asked Chin to buy the tickets for me already.

Ok, I shall not complain anymore due to obligations and contract with my sponsor and my institution but... My timetable is really weird.

Really need to apologise to certain people (Jess, my family, Yeesan, Sokwai, Chin, JFoong etc) for raising up their expectations and hopes and then, announcing I can't come back pula. You guys really won't know how I felt. To think I will be so super free after 12afternon on Sat and the whole day on Sun, yet I can't be back home or lepak with you guys.

Must apologise to Mrs.Lee, Pn.Ang, Pn.Murizan etc here too for not meeting them before leaving because I thought I can return soon, so I didn't REALLY make the effort to properly find and thank them. Some teachers I did, but most I didn't. Help me relay the apology, please?

Oh, well. Life goes on. I would say I still have not gotten the taste of REAl university life yet.

I MISS IPOH

2009-07-02T04:18:00.001-07:00

HEY GUYS!!!!

I MISS YOU GUYS SO MUCH MAN!!!!

I finally have internet connection in my room. It feels like I lost touch with the whole of the outside world after coming here cos there's no internet and no newspaper. Sweat, right?

So I'm in uniten now, and we have orientation this whole week. Some of you got my emo sms but I'm fine now. I regretted like mad making the choice to come here on the 1^st day cos I was desperately homesick. Of course, I don't feel like that now.I have three mandarin-speaking housemates and they're really nice people. Come to think of it, most of the female Chinese here speak mandarin so at first, I had a hard time expressing myself but I'm okay. Only like three or two speak English. I miss speaking English. Weird, huh?

Orientation is TIRING! I wake up at 4.45am to wash my clothes, bathe, go down and assemble, then go back up to the apartment at 6am and sleep again till 6.45am. Then, breakfast and the day starts and ends at 11.30pm. phew…. And everyday, we have to worry about what to where cos of the strict dress code during orientation week. Sleeves till elbow lah, collar lah, slacks, no jeans, smart casual, formal blah blah blah… I've got friends but not really THAT close. I guess it's because we haven't started class. Classes start next week. Anyway, it's quite hard to start a whole new life again with new friends and strangers. I miss MGS so much!!!

Got activity later, have to rush now. I've got lots to say but ahhh!!! I'll tell you guys bout the place and my course maybe on Sat or something…

Oh, I might come back on 11^th July! KL, Pahang, melaka and wherever-you-are ppl, let's go back together and have class reunion.

helppp?

2009-06-17T07:31:00.001-07:00

Whee…

Remember I mentioned in a previous post that something came in the post that really made my day? http://www.perdana.org.my/pdf/YKP_1.pdf

Haha, it wasn't some job offer, like some of you speculated… It's an essay-writing competition I joined in June/July 2008 and I got FOURTH prize!

Okay, it probably isn't as grand as 1^st, 2^nd or 3^rd prize but it's something, right? I missed the prize-giving ceremony (oh, how much I wanted to go to meet Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad!) but they sent me the prize – RM100 worth of MPH vouchers and RM200 in my bank account. You can just imagine my eyes bulging at the sight of the MPH vouchers. Yeah, man!!! The drought is coming to an end (I've been going on without any new books for like months…).

Anyway, the essay was about ways to promote racial unity (or something like that) and we had to do research and insert footnotes and references, it was different. Factual essays are not really my forte so I didn't expect anything when I submitted the essay. But I did pray about it a few times, albeit nonchalantly. This isn't the only instance when prayer works, for me, lah. The Commonwealth Essay Competition is another example of prayers answered (in this context). I believe God works in us, if we allow him to. =)

And I'm confused!! Do I need to bring stuff like iron, broom, mop, dishwasher liquid etc to the UNITEN student apartment? But I'll look like an ah-sum moving house if I bring too many stuff. My mom, however, is telling me to bring some electric pot, flasks, bowls, plates, utensils, pail and what-not. Oh, mann… How come I seem to be the only one facing this problem?

Yes? No?

2009-06-11T08:26:00.001-07:00

Okay. Sorry. My mind was in a mess yesterday and I was really tired.

Erm, so camp was fun and I learnt a lot during sessions. Chin agreed that the sessions were good. P&W was great because the band was super-geng. SUFES is a nice place, but of the El Nino phenomenon (I think), it is so HOT and believe it or not, I did not see a single fan during the whole camp. The whole time, I felt so sweaty. I had like more than 20 mosquito bites on my legs and arms. And I just turned a shade darker, thanks to the stream-trotting activity. Oh no!! (But being at the waterfall and getting wet all over was fun!)

Hmm, I liked my group a lot. Really hope I've been a good enough leader, especially during devotion. At times, I felt like I failed to get the message across to some of them (because of the language barrier). I tried to speak in both Canto and English but I get blank looks sometimes and it's kinda discouraging. Oh, well. We had a few group activities together, King's finger and the station games. I climbed a tree! And we did this hilarious short version of Star Wars in Hokkien. I was just one of those 'kelefeh' soldiers who got killed. Anyway, it was a good balance of fun and spiritual growth. Honestly though, it would have been a whole lot better if you guys came along. It would feel so good to worship together like those times in GB camp.

Oh, there was this time when Kim Leong, Judee, Chin, Andrew, Weng Kin and I were sitting together (for a short while) and talking about churches and stuff and it felt good. One of those 'good' conversations that left you feeling closer, you know. But I'm glad I got to know more about the other youths in church.

Back to the present.

I received my offer letter. And will be leaving to UNITEN Putrajaya campus in Kajang on 27 June, after that to US for 3 years. I have absolutely no idea why they're sending me to UNITEN (hey, I'm doing economics, not engineering!). SO far, I don't know of any other economics student doing pre-u in UNITEN. There are still a lot of questions, like what course am I doing. I think I am going to study the American Top Universities Programme – but it's only for 1 year and in the letter, it's stated 2 years. WHY?? I don't even know the dress code there but I don't think there will be too much problem since it's a half private, half gov uni and so far, I heard they don't allow jeans during lectures. The other thing is that there are not many Chinese and female students there. AND I am a female Chinese. Oh, man… I don't want to be a minority. I'll be studying in one of their student apartments, most probably sharing rooms. But in the website, it is written that we'll only be allowed in the apartments on 5July. Where am I going to stay during orientation??? Oh, gosh… So many questions.

Anyway, there were a lot of doubts in my mind about whether to go or not. To be totally frank, I was expecting to go to Taylor's or some private colleges and I was hoping I'll get to go to UK. I was imagining my life in Taylor's (or smtg like that) and in UK and I even bought some clothes already. On one hand, I was afraid I'll be so consumed by the worldliness around me that I'll lose God (and myself) but on the other hand, I was excited to meet new people and start a new life in college. I guess pride, ego and you know, the thought of looking good in other people's eyes got the better of me and I admit, I did put God aside for a few days when I was in Penang. So when I got my offer letter, it is kinda a wake-up call.

I still have doubts because it will be one of the many major decisions in my life, whether to say yes or no.

You know, there's this story the speaker told us:

There was a little girl who loved her Daddy very much. One day, she got a plastic pearl necklace and it looked good on her, so she treasured it very much. So that night, her Dad came into her room, read her a bedtime story and decided to tease and test her. He asked "Hey, do you love daddy?" and she said yes, of course. And he asked her "So can you give Daddy the necklace?" And the daughter said "Sorry Daddy, no. I'll give you my teddy instead." Her Dad replied "Nvm… Daddy loves you, too." And so, this went on for a few nights. Each night, her Dad will ask her the same thing and she will refuse to surrender the plastic pearl necklace. But one night, when her Dad came into the room, she held out her hands and weeping, said "Here, take it, Daddy." In her hands was the plastic pearl necklace. Her Dad smiled and took the necklace, while holding out yet another pearl necklace, only this one is genuine.

Many times I have wondered how hard it is for one to surrender the dreams and plans for something that is doubtful, beyond what we can see. Yet there is a promise that when you surrender and commit ALL your plans to God, there will be good things in the end. We think our plans are perfect and refuse to give it up to God, even when He asked for it, but He has better plans for us, a genuine pearl necklace that is much better than what we have now. It is our limited and shallow understanding compared to the depth of God's wisdom that's stopping us. Our fear of what's unseen.

Of course, it's easier said than done. Even I have not had the courage to do it.

Trust. I'm still learning.

Ps. Sorry for the super-duper long post.

Messssy

2009-06-10T07:47:00.001-07:00

Just came back from camp. Fun. Tiring. Sessions and P&W were awesome. No more sleeping in tents for me after this, unless absolutely necessary.

I AM SO CONFUSED. So many questions and doubts. And the person I thought could help encourage me, I cannot trust. Oh, man… Is He trying to tell me to trust and lean on Him and Him only?

Oh, and just don't ask me where I am going to do my pre-u. At least, not for now.

I need to sleep.

La Vida Vive

2009-05-31T00:15:00.001-07:00

Tagging seems to be the rage these few days. Hmmm…

Besides your lips, where is the favourite spot to get kissed?
-Cheek, I guess.

2. How did you feel when you woke up this morning?
-Feel like dozing off again.

3. Who was the last person/people you took a photo with?
-CG members.
4. Would you consider yourself spoiled?
-Not really. But at times, yes.

5. Will you ever donate blood?
-Only when I'm sure I won't faint afterwards.

6. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
-Best friend, nope.

7. Do you want someone to be dead?
-Nope. I wouldn't want to be found guilty of condemning someone to death.

8. What does your last text message say?
-Nothing important.

9. What are you thinking right now?
-Why adults want to make things so complicated.

10. Do you want someone to be with you right now?
-Someone is with me now but yes.

11. What was the time you went to bed last night?
-12:00 midnight.

12. Where did you buy the tee you are wearing now?
-Dunno, used to be my mom's.

13. Is someone on your mind right now?
-Yes, on and off.

14. Who was the last person who text you?
-Winson.

Ten (un)Lucky Person to do this quiz: (in random order)
1. Ka Yee
2. Jess
3. Lydia
4. Kin Wai
5. Tapee
6. MK Sum
7. Dawn
8. Andrew
9. Fky
10.Ju Dee

15. Who is no.2 having a relationship with?
-Her beloved guitars. =)

16. Is no.3 a male or a female?
-FEMALE

17. If no.7 and no.1 get together, would it be a good?
-Well, they have ONE common interest: FOOD!

18. What is no.1 studying about?
-Business etc in Spore Poly.

19. When was the last time you chatted with them?
-Face to face? Last week, last month, some even last year.

20. Is no.4 single?
-Oh. Ermm, I think so… (Someone, help me?)

21. Say something about no.2?
-My confidante and 'spiritual' buddy.

22. What do you think about no.3 and no.6 being together?
-I don't know, man. It's possible but unlikely.

23. Describe no.9?
-Full of herself but can be REALLY nice if she wants to.

24. What will you do if no.6 and no.7 fight?
-Don't think so they ever will.

25. Do you like no.8?
-He's a friend.

C'est la vie

2009-05-29T06:22:00.001-07:00

Life is unpredictable.

I was just day-dreaming while waiting to be inspired to write my child abuse essay and I realized that a year ago, I would have never thought I would be doing what I am now. Let me see, half a year ago, I still remember being extremely uncertain of my future and wanting to leave to college as soon as possible after watching close friends leaving one by one. I remember missing them tremendously and wondering if we will really keep in touch a year or maybe, even half a year, later. I remember passing by MGS and feeling a deep sense of nostalgia every single time. I remember applying for endless (okay, not endless…) scholarships and knowing fully well that there are so many others out there who are just as good, if not better, than I am. I remember dreading F6 and all that comes with it (MUET, STPM etc…). I remember looking longingly at prestigious foreign universities (online) and having shreds and shreds and shreds and shreds of doubt about whether I will really be given a chance to further my studies overseas.

But half a year later, looking back, God has been incredibly good to me. I have been given a chance to further my studies overseas and all that is needed on my part are loads of hard work and discipline to realize my oh-so-lofty ambitions. I am still keeping in touch with most of my friends (overseas and here) and at one point, I felt like distance has brought us closer in other ways. Ironic, isn't it? I still have that nostalgic feeling when passing by MGS but I belong to a class in ACS now and I must say, I truly enjoy life in ACS –minus lessons lah-. It's finally starting to feel like we're ONE class, not different individuals studying under the same teachers. I would have never imagined sitting beside Yee San (no offence, it's just that we seem so…opposite), having fits of laughter over petty stuffs (like Black Matel) and feeling stupid after realizing that we have been solving maths problems the wrong way (and the whole class seem to have gotten them right). Somehow, both us are always blur whenever teachers gave instructions so we had to constantly disturb *poke* the two guys in front of us (must be Yee San distracting me when teacher's talking =P). And I never would have thought I would find guys (TWO of them) who like watching Ouran, PoT, Death Note etc and they're sitting right behind us. 'Talking anime' with them, even for a mere 5 minutes, is hilarious. And it seems I still have the 'prefect's urge' to ask students to keep quiet and wear their name tags, it feels so weird being asked to keep quiet and line up by other prefects when I was once like them.

Well, F6 life is stressful, if you see it that way, with 11 essays for MUET and the nagging sense of responsibility to study Physics during the holidays. And talk about being blur, maths is just baffling. But after 'discussing' with my fellow going-to-leave-school-soon friend, I only plan to do 1 MUET essay, crack my head with the maths homework and probably open the Physics book. Strip F6 life of its lessons, the constant reminder of STPM and the 'kemungkinan'* of having to stay till 3.40pm in school every day, it's actually a lot like high school with lots of random moments of fun and laughter thrown in (and 'food adventures' that Yi Wen and I have been embarking on every recess).

Random: Reasons for celebrations:

Barcelona defeated Man U in Champions League finals. It's nice to see Man U fans feel the pain that we, Liverpool fans felt when Man U won EPL on a draw (and there were so many dubious matches). Sorry, absolutely no pity for Man U fans out there.
I can officially go for youth camp! I just know it'll be a lot of fun. Anyone interested?
Going to be in Penang for the whole week. Will probably do a lot of shopping.
'1^st sem' in ACS ended on a happy note. =) Wonder how'll the 2^nd sem be, made a pact to at least be in school on Monday…

*Sorry, just couldn't recall the right word. Probability isn't it, right?

2009-05-23T06:35:00.001-07:00

After (being forced to) listening Kris and Adam's No Boundaries for the umpteenth time, I must say I'm getting quite fond of the song. The chorus has quite a 'cheesy' tune and it is more of an easy-on-the-ear song but I like the verses. =)

Just as I was staring at the same Maths question that I've been staring at since last night this morning, my phone rang and it was Lydia! So glad to hear from her cos I'm just beginning to feel like I'm losing touch with everyone who left. And I found out that Zhihui is leaving for matriculation in Melaka on Monday. My reaction: WHAT?! when? where? how? why? *sighs* Anyway, I should be happy for her cos she finally got what she wanted. So Zhihui, hope matrics is really the right path to your bright future.

At this point, I just felt like leaving too. But there has been this ongoing battle within me and I just feel so afraid of who I'll become later on. All the 'what ifs' that are stopping me from really making my move, just wish God will step in and tell me "it's going to be okay..". After the long agonizing wait for the JPA results, I still have to endure another long wait for the offer letter and only then will I truly be able to decide. Sadd…

Oh well, life continues… Why do I have a weird nagging feeling in me?? I'm really in dire need for a huge dose of lame-ness….

….we’re proud we’re students of the AAA-CCC-SSSS...

2009-05-18T06:39:00.001-07:00

That's the last line of the ACS school song. Nope, I haven't reached the stage where I can proudly say "I'm proud to be a student of ACS. " (even though it's only for a short while)

Truth be told, I still can't remember our school song. They were playing it this morning and it sounded familiar to me. So I asked YiWen "Err what song is that?"

"That's our school song." Ohhh… And to think that we have sang it for more than ten times during orientation.

Teacher's Day today and I'm supposed to be part of the teacher's day committee but frankly, I don't think my presence contributed much, just standing around wondering what to do next. Being one of the backstage people was fun cos you get to observe a lot of 'interesting' people (students and teachers alike). But it's only my 6^th day in school and there are already some, let's just say, 'superiors' that are erm… plain annoying. Totally robs the F-U-N out of anyone's school lives. You know what, adults can be pretty good bootlickers at times. Ahh, how I miss some of the teachers back in mgs.

On the other hand, I'm pretty happy with my class, getting accustomed to the people there although I still don't think recognize them if I bump into them somewhere. Lessons are starting quite smoothly except… Just ask any of my classmates, they'll know. Who says facial appearance doesn't matter? The truth is: It matters. Is it THAT hard to smile once in a while? Mr. Leong is right, I do feel happy during his class. I think I'm beginning to like Physics already. PA is just …. weird. Sad case we don't have PE.

Oh, I was blog-hopping and I found a few interesting blogs. People aren't who they seem sometimes. =)

Update: Man U won the EPL. (I can see Jess's smug face now) Darn… They had a 0-0 draw with Arsenal and yet, they won? C'mon, Liverpool did much better this season, man. They had fewer losses and they put up a real tough fight against the other major teams, Arsenal and Chelsea. I just realized there are many Liverpool fans out there who dislikes Man U. Just hoping for Barcelona to win the Champions League. EPL next season is OURS!

Seperti rusa masuk kampung?? =)

2009-05-11T05:53:00.001-07:00

11/5/2009 – 1^st day for us Lower Six-es in ACS.

I was quite excited to start school (finally), actually but today was really blehh. Taklimat, taklimat and more taklimat, each lasting 30 minutes or more. *just imagine me during physics class* I haven't really experienced canteen food, thanks to sokwai who shared her food with me, but the place kinda ruins my appetite. Haha, if Kayee and Dawn were here, I doubt they will run to the canteen every recess and stay there the whole 20 minutes like they did last time.

On the plus side, I AM still excited about school. It's nice meeting friends again. Wish I can stay longer and participate in a few of their activities before leaving. But we still haven't gotten to know the REAL ACS yet, so I really dunno what the school is about.

Changing stream is also another mafan case. I'm just waiting for the letter now, if I'm staying in school for less than a month, might as well not change at all. We'll see…

Ohh, and we had to pay RM10 for some stuffs today. When I reached home and looked back at the stuff we got for RM10, I felt cheated. For RM10, I got : a pen, a notebook, a file (those paper ones), temporary name tag, REAL name tag, a form, a badge and an 'odyssey' book (to welcome us or smtg). Apart from the name tag, badge and form, the other stuff are not even necessary. Wasted my RM10 only, ishh… And this was what ZhiHui said "First thing they asked us to do in school, pay RM10. Imagine…"

Overall, I have a positive feeling about school… Please don't prove me wrong tomorrow.

Ecstatic? No. Delirious? Yeah!

2009-05-08T23:36:00.001-07:00

Sokwai, here it is.

So, as you guys already know (or maybe not), I got the JPA scholarship.

Okay, I was a lil nervous before the results came out. I mean, who wasn't? First, it was supposed to be out at 3pm, then 5pm and it was FINALLY out at 10pm. And when Kayee went "omg.. you got it..", I was kinda like "ohh, okay..". It was hard to grasp the fact that I REALLY got the much-coveted JPA scholarship. Yeah, sure I was happy but I wasn't jumping or shouting or anything like that.

Ahhh, to think that I can finally say goodbye to F6 and hello to whatever-college-I'm going + uni overseas (whichever country I get). I'll probably go to school on Monday with the rest though, kinda sick of staying at home already. Anyway, I've been heaped with lotsa congrats since then. =) Thanks!! You guys being happy for me means a lot to me. Haha, especially with Kayee's super-excited reaction that made her go "OMG!!" every 5 seconds, Jess's confirmed predictions (you're gonna have a lot of comforting and explaining to do if I didn't get it) and Chin's happy voice on the other end of the phone.

And now, I'll have answer to the question: So what are you going to do next?

Join the others for F6 while waiting for the JPA letter to arrive. (Hopefully, I'll get to go to UK… Kayee, if I really get to go there, you better start saving now…) *crosses fingers*

But seriously, all glory belongs to God. I prayed hard for this and at one point, my desire seemed really selfish and unworthy. It was hard to just surrender the decision to Him and promise Him that I'll be happy and contented no matter what I got for who says staying in F6 can't get you anywhere. I've read of people who went to F6 and got offer letter from LSE (London School of Economics). There will always be a way.

Oh I went to the ReCom forum and there were people who got 12 A1s and 13 A1s but didn't get the JPA scholarship but there were also people who got 5 A1s, a combination of A2, B3 and B4, who applied for tourism and got it. I wonder what is the selection process based on.

Nway, the wait is over FINALLY!!! Guess I have to be more loyal to the Gov now that they are sponsoring my studies. It sure won't be easy, what with the State Assembly being more entertaining than even normal circus acts.

Oh, well…

2009-04-30T18:18:00.001-07:00

reporting from Penang... (sitting in the balcony because I'm 'stealing' someone else's connection)

Gonna be here for like three days and I'm beginning to feel fatter already... One aspect I love about Penang (besides the food) is the really cool buildings they have.. You'll never get bored when on the road, even if it's for hours, cos the 'architectural view' is somewhat picturesque, if you ask me.. Those old heritage buildings can exist so well alongside modern skyscrapers or cool-looking apartments.. Cool, right?? (but I feel like going home now...)

Had a really short but interesting discussion bout the names of some male and female animals and the pronounciation of MATRICKS yesterday.. Is it mAtricks or mAY-tricks?? What about the maths MATRIX?? Is it mAH or mAY?? And what bout the movie then??

Btw, can anyone tell me what happened to my chatbox?? It seems to have disappeared..

Hmmmm...

2009-04-28T05:42:00.000-07:00

random burst of madness:

I hereby solemnly pledge my unwavering allegiance to Liverpool as a fan.

ohh, something came in the post yesterday that totally made my day!!! A sign that I should have more faith in what I do best, maybe?? hmmm...

disappeared and back

2009-04-25T06:18:00.000-07:00

After abandoning my blog for some time, I'm back! Actually, I'm quite sick of seeing the 'gaga' post too...

Soo, let's see... Latest updates:

1. Went to Jess's house on Thursday and watched this super-psycho movie 'Perfume' (thanks to Chin) where the guy is obsessed with smell... This kind of movie is only nice when watched with friends, I guess... Played ping pong with Jess (I think we improved a lil over the months, eh??) while the others played badminton and Jiafoong rode the four-wheel bicycle... I NEED MORE EXERCISE!! Oh, she (I mean, her maid) served us 'nangpedak', a combination of nangka+cempedak, and Jamie ate A LOT...

One thing I didn't manage to do when in her house: leave my scent (or odour) and hair on her bed.. nvm if you didn't get it....

2. Made a REALLY stupid mistake.. I was supposed to accompany my grandma to the clinic on Thursday morning but I totally forgotten about it till my mom reminded me on Wed night.. All plans were made to hang out on Thurs and it was too late to call my grandma. So I woke up at 6.30am Thursday to call but no one answered and they were already at the clinic (so early!!!) blah blah blahh.. I'll seem like the bad guy here but this mistake really costs me something important- TRUST.. Oh well, I'll never stop being the black sheep of the family no matter how hard I tried..

Sometimes, one mistake costs you everything...

3. On a happier (or maybe not-so-happy) note, I got the matricks offer. So many friends got the same place, Chin and I even got the same hostel. Lucky? Maybe not, cos I don't think I'm going. I kinda made up my mind on that, just need to tell my parents and see what they say..

Felt a lil "haihh..." when Chin and Lydia were talking so excitedly about the college, hostel, life, stuffs to buy etc but I'll hold on to my decision (unless something happens, hmmm)..

4. Hoping for Liverpool to snatch the EPL title from Man U (even though it's a slim chance).. Go LIVERPOOL!!!!

5. Oh, anyone interested to come for my church's youth camp?? Happening from 7 to 10 June, costs RM150... It's like really outdoors with tents, stream-trotting, BBQ dinner plus the usual camp activities (sessions, P&W, games)..Leave a comment if you're interested...

That's all for now, watching Grey's...

aihh, I miss Jess already...

going gaga

2009-04-03T20:31:00.000-07:00

Lady Gaga's performance in Idol was AWESOME!!! I was not a fan of her songs, especially not 'Poker Face', but her performance was GREAT!!! The arrangement at the beginning was really creative and the way she and her violinist played, whoaa, it left my mouth gaping... yukana, you MUST watch the video, for the sake of the darn cool violinist who was like a major part of her perf...

Yeah, I've been an avid follower of Idol 8 and the results are quite obvious, really... You can even tell who's going to make into the top four already by now..

Nway, JPA interview is officially over! I'm glad it is, the process had been giving me headaches... So erm, the panel consists of 3 interviewers (in my case, all males) and five interviewees enter the hall together. I guess I did okay since my interviewers are quite friendly. They were trying to choose topics that we know and can discuss.. We were supposed to talk about PLKN initially, but since only two guys went for it, they gave us another more relevant topic: YOUNGSTERS ARE PERCEIVED TO BE DEMANDING AND MATERIALISTIC NOWADAYS. What do you think? So I raised up my hand,said "I agree" blah blah... Second topic was: DISIPLIN MERUPAKAN RAMUAN UTAMA UNTUK MENCAPAI KEJAYAAN. Err, it was quite a boring topic actually, would prefer it if they give a more debatable topic...

Overall, the bm session was quite bad for me cos I couldn't find the right words to express what I felt.. I guess it's more of an advantage to those whose mother tongue is BM whereas the Eng session was an advantage to us. Compared to what Ka Yee said about her group, I think my group is quite mature. But the discussion tends to get out of topic sometimes...

And the final part was explaining why you deserve this scholarship... I did not talk much about my course but more of how I can uphold the country's name while overseas and discipline etc. I should've given more reasons blah blah but my mind was kinda blank suddenly. I was quite surprised the others didn't give more solid reasons though cos this is the part where we should really try to shine, maybe their minds went blank too.. There was this Malay guy who should've spoken in BM cos I couldn't really get what he was saying in Eng and he sounded way more convincing in Bm.. Oh well.. It was interesting....

Oh yeah, the 'hall' was really cold and my legs were like shaking the whole time and I had to place my hands on my knees to stop it.. But when it was my turn to talk, the shaking'll stop and when I'm done, it'll start again..

Nway, I had a great time in Parade during the 'reunion', really hope we can do this more often.. And to KitYee and KaYee, all the best in Spore!!! I know I'll miss you guys A LOT and well, remember to come back once in a while for a visit..

I hate goodbyes....

somewhere in the middle

2009-03-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

I DROVE ALL THE WAY HOME FROM PENANG!!!

GOTCHA!! My uncle asked whether I would like to drive. *shudders* But I would much rather sleep in the car, thank you very much.. Every time I drive somewhere, it's becoming something of an adventure, it's too much for me...

Been reading a few people's blog and most have already applied to like THREE or FOUR colleges?? Even Dawn has left to Taylor's and I don't know anything about it. So much happened in like three days?? Okaayy...

And I have only applied to ONE so far. Not that it matters anyway, I don't really have my mind set on any of the colleges in KL (so STOP sending leaflets and forms to my house!! do you guys get all these letters from dunno-where too??)... Nway, I've been thinking, all these while, I've been pretty much influenced by people and just following what all others are doing (applying for colleges, scholarships etc). It's probably because I don't know what to do or where to go...

But what happens if I go against the flow, or like they say, walk down the road not taken? Will the end really justify the means? Now I wonder whether the 'sigh' in Robert Frost's poem is a sigh of relief and satisfaction or a sigh of regret...

Hmm, so have I made up my mind now? I guess that's partly a 'yes' (though, still seasoned with doubts and worries). So yeah, save yourself the trouble of asking me about it cos I'll only be able to give unsure/ undecided answers...

Though none go with me,
Still I will follow,
No turning back, no turning back...

random

2009-03-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

aihh, I wanted to change the blog template but I guess I'm more used to the current boring one...

The new template still needs editing and I have more important work to do so, let's not waste time on not-that-important stuffs... Random pics to cheer the blog up a bit:

Ohh, did I mention I went to Kellie's Castle with my cousins?? Then, went to play ping pong in Clearwater... How I miss playing ping pong in school, haha... It was a good workout for me nway but I doubt I manage to lose those extra kilos..

There are actually more pics but uploading them takes forever. The place is really picturesque, everywhere you turn, there is a photo waiting to be taken. Will take loads of pic when I'm in Penang...

Off to watch Garfield =D

I'm so gonna get scolded by Ms.Dena if I don't write the essay soon... *goes off in search of inspiration*

weekly update

2009-03-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

Hey peeps, check our class blog once in a while la, it's dying.

Update: I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!! whhee, I was growing sick of the endless lessons (and I certainly don't miss the driving instructor). I spent 3/4 of my time waiting waiting waiting for my turn that I kinda felt numb when it was FINALLY my turn. Thank goodness I didn't :
1. ter-undur on the slope. (actually, I did (a lil) but the tester didn't notice) =D
2. knock any tiang down.
3. mati enjin in the middle of nowhere during the parking test.
4. do any brainless mistake on the road that could lead to the tester's reproach that could lead me to feeling panicky.

Anyway, SPM results are out. Hmm, I guess I can't do any better haha, felt REALLY happy for a few people too... I watched Race to Witch Mountain already, it was okay... Ohh, and I have this 'noble' plans to volunteer at orphanages/ homes, dunno if it'll work though... I'll be spending some time in Penang this hols... AND I'm meeting the small kids later, wish I can take photos of them and show you guys (the batteries aren't working!!!)...

In response to Kayee and Jess's posts:
Yes, it felt really happy to finally achieve what I worked and prayed for. You feel really happy when people congratulate you and when filling in the 'results' part of scholarship applications. But I guess it's all really temporary. Sure, it's nice to have people gushing over how well you did and it'll help in scholarships and all but even then, in the end, it all boils down to who you really are and what you're REALLY worth. SPM is just like a measurement scale, in this case, to measure how 'smart' you are. But what it shows is really just on-the-surface stuff (you don't even know what marks you got exactly for a subject). That's how it is with earthly/ 'materialistic' stuff.

Someone once told me these stuff provides only a fleeting sense of accomplishment because deep in us, there's this void/ this hunger for something more. I'm not being ungrateful for what I got, far from it actually, but think about this: so what if you really got what you guys want? Yup, you'll feel happy but for how long? How long before you feel unsatisfied again? spm is like this HUGE thing but how far can it really get you? How accurate is this 'scale'?

I guess this calls for re-examination of oneself, like Jess said. Have we been trying to fill up this big gaping void in us with earthly pleasures? Maybe it'll only feel right when we finally turn to Him and seek His presence.

Just some food for thought. =D
ps. mail me if you need someone to talk this with...